Monday, February 11, 2008

Feeling the burn

Everyone told me when I got into this mess, er, educational experience, that there would be days when I wondered what I got myself into. Up until this month, I really hadn't felt like that. But, now I'm having one of those months where every day I wonder what I've gotten myself into. I had it really easy up at CSU. I knew what I was doing, I had a job I enjoyed, and even though I didn't get paid much, I wasn't going into the hole either. I have kind of forgotten what it was like to know what I'm doing. My peers up there respected my opinion, and I even felt like sometimes I had good ideas. That doesn't so much happen in med school. Hate to push the "med students are evil" thread, but they are.

I know that in the long run, I will be so happy with the decision I made. I don't want to worry about having enough funding (aka salary) because research dollars are hard to find. And I know that the reason I left grad school (don't really see myself doing this 10 years from now) is still a good reason, and it hasn't changed. Most importantly, I don't want to do bench research. So as often as I have heart palpitations over the coming exam (and there's always a coming exam), I know this was the right decision.

For now, I'm working hard to realize that 1)perfection in medical school is not possible, 2)medicine is truly what I want to do with my life, 3)it's only going to be worth it if I still have a life. It helps to realize that being a Moneyed Doctor, vs a Poor hungry Doctor, will allow me to someday live in my happy place. California here I come.