Monday, April 7, 2008

April Blizzards Make me Pensive

Well, ok, it's not really a blizzard. It's barely even a snow, but the clouds have that oppressive over-white look to them when they really want to dump all that cold, mucky nastiness all over the place. Having a bit of extra time today has given me the opportunity to hit the blogs again and actually add to mine! Exciting to not always be reading about congestive heart failure.

I am so ready for spring. The cold weather makes me want to curl up on the couch and not move. Not very conducive to great studying and definitely not conducive to the gym. J and I both agree that this is our week to get back on track though. Tonight is the NCAA Championship game so tonight is pretty much out, but tomorrow it's back to it.

I haven't really been back to work in the gym since the bad news, it's hard to make myself do it. But, I definitely don't want to be lame and let myself go just because something didn't go my way. If we're going to try again I have to get it together and make my body capable of handling it. It freaks me out if I'm being honest. What's the addage, once bitten twice shy? I know that I know too much about this. I've been studying human physiology for the past 4 years, and I've picked up a lot of information that makes me scared to try again at all. I feel like a lot of the stuff I've learned has the unfortunate side effect of robbing a bit of the naive hope that I'd like to have and replacing it with a realism that delves into pessimism. It's not a great feeling. I think it's totally normal to want reassurance that next time will be fine, but it's a reassurance that really can't be given by anyone, and that makes it all the harder to swallow.

All of these issues have made me think a little harder about what I want to do for a career. I love physiology, which is the study of the dynamic changes going on in your body at all times, and how it should function normally, and this is why I love anesthesia. An anesthesiologist needs to be able to assess a person's physiology at any given moment and monitors all aspects of it from the cardiovascular system to the kidneys to respiration and the nervous system. However, after the last few weeks, OB/GYN still looks appealing. I think this past month would have been so much harder had I not had a fantastic doc who treated me like I really mattered as as person and not just as a patient and thus a paycheck. I think that in OB/GYN you just have more of a direct impact on your patient. At least one that they'll remember.

I guess I can't spend too much time worrying about it right now. If I want to have a chance at doing anything I still have to pass med school. Better get on it.